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I haven’t made it to the dollar store recently, so I haven’t had any new canned delicacies to review. I’m going to try to get over there sometime next week, though, so I’ll be sure to stock up.

Being totalled befuddled by the enigma that is Holiday Brand Luncheon Meat, I Googled the term. While I didn’t find anything about what I was looking for, I did find this tempting delicacy, courtesy of the British:

Hot Pork Main Course

Serves 4

Ingredients
200g/7oz Short Cut Pasta
225g/8oz Fresh Broccoli Florets
1 x 325g/12oz tin luncheon meat, cubed
1 Red Capsicum (sweet Pepper) deseeded and chopped
480ml/16fl.oz. Milk
2 tbsp Cornflour
1/4 teasp Black Pepper
100g/4oz Cheddar Cheese
2 tbsp Fresh Breadcrumbs
2 teasp Butter, melted

If the thought of digging into those tasty fixins has your tummy grumbling, here’s a link to the site I ripped that recipe from: Luncheon Meat and Broccoli Bake

Nice try using terms like Broccoli Florets and Red Capsicum to make this recipe look appetizing.

Holiday Brand Luncheon Meat : Review

I just ate a sandwich made out of this stuff. I don’t know what it is, or what’s in it. I don’t even know if I liked it. The odd the is I think I want another one, but I feel that it might make me ill. Or not. I don’t know.

After eating this stuff, you fully understand the term “Mystery Meat”.

I’ll admit I’m not quite man enough to take this stuff straight out of the tin and slap it on bread, so I spruced it up a bit with some diced onion, black pepper, a few drops of “Red Dot” Lousianna Habanero Sauce, a dollop of Miracle Whip (Extra Tangy!) and some chopped Bread & Butter pickles. No salt, because I KNOW this product has enough sodium in it already to keep me fresh for a hundred years.

Oddly enough, even with all those strong flavours, the enigma of Holiday Brand Luncheon Meat ruled the day. The taste and texture of the “meat” actually overcame the added ingredients, muting the taste of the spices, pickles, and dressing. What was left was a bland, flavourless pate with a strong salty aftertaste that is keeping my appetite piqued. I want more even though I KNOW I’m not hungry.

This is what happens when you buy your meat at a dollar store. Buyer beware.

Holiday Brand Luncheon Meat : Score

Appearance: 6/10

Nice looking can opens with a key (Plus two for the key. Keys are cool.) Meat looks good. Not too grey. Nice honey colour makes you believe it might have real pork in it. Somewhere. Comes out of the can as a firm slab of meat with very little fat or geletin. Looks tasty. Yum.

Smell: 3/10
I didn’t recoil.

Taste: 2/10
I’m not sure if it HAD any taste, but it really wasn’t offensive. Seeing that it sucked the flavour out of my other ingredients, I’d say it had more of an anti-taste than anything.

Texture: 4/10
Pre-eating texture was actually quite good, almost resembling real Flakes of Ham. Until I mashed it up with a fork. After mashing, it lost all consistancy, totally collapsed and became a mushy yet lumpy pate – but no way was I eating this stuff straight. I shudder to think how it would have felt without the crisp onion or pickle bits mixed in. Still, out-of-can texture is fine.

Value: 9/10
Hey, I got like eight sandwiches out of a tin of meat that cost a buck. I would give it a perfect score, but I’m leaving a bit of room in case I find an even cheaper meat product.

Mystery: 2/10
I have no idea what’s in it, but the product does leave enough clues for me to venture a guess. Mechanically seperated pork, salt, MSG, sodium, sodium, sodium, “spices”, water, salt, sodium, colour.

Overall: 20/50
Add another 10 points if you or your parents are British.

Conclusion: Don’t serve it to your friends or your wife. Serving it to your kids is OK, because they’ll probably love you again after a day or two. Holiday Brand Luncheon Meat is a private pleasure, best enjoyed alone. Adding to the mystery of the product is that while you shouldn’t serve it to anyone, you’ll still get enough stuff to make at least a half dozen sammies.

Enjoy.