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Top fail clips.

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.” The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.” The Greek says, “We had great Mathematicians.” The Italian says, “We had the Roman Empire,” and so on and so on and then the Greek says: “We invented sex.”

The Italian says, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, ‘Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?’

Martha replied, ‘Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, ‘I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?”

Martha said, ‘The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?’

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, ‘I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?’

Martha asked, ‘And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.’

‘I recall that,’ said Henry. ‘And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.’

‘Alright,’ Martha said. ‘So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes???

I can’t take credit for this, but this guy has a novel way of dealing with annoying telemarketers.

“The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered it I was greeted with “Is this Karl Brummer”. Not sounding
anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer
Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl
personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, “get some pictures of the body at various
angles and the blood smears”, I then turned back to the phone and
advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay
on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be
receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone
number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead
guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he
made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position
and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at
that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming
down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen
minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long
time.”

Thanks to the brilliant minds at How Many Five Years Olds Could You Take In A Fight, I now know the answer to a question that has been eating at me for as long as I can remember.

Ok, not really.

The site has a short survey for you to fill out that – when completed – will give you an idea of how you’d fare if you accidentally pissed off a kindergarten class. Pretty random, sure, but it only takes a minute – AND you get this cool red box that you can embed on your site.

This could come in handy if you need to impress a couple little ones who are getting too big for their britches.

Link: www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com

This little joke is dedicated to someone who thinks they know me but – in reality – don’t actually have a clue. Unfortunately, they are setting themselves up to eventually be found in the same position as the poor fellow in the following joke – which I like to call Bottle of Wine.

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the man began yelling about women drivers. The woman said, ‘So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman.. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days’.

Flattered, the man agreed, but added “you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

The woman continued, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

She handed the bottle to the man. The man opened it and drank half the bottle, then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman smiled and replied, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….’

Yeah, yeah, its a copy and paste blonde joke – and a pretty old one at that – but its still good for a laugh.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
She has the Title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Have a great weekend.

Its not often I watch commercials, but this one holds a special attraction. The ad is called Jeep – Bouncy and Fun.

There is also a similar, yet longer and somewhat exaggerated ad demonstrating Nissan’s independant front suspension.

What the hell, its time for another joke.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying provocatively on the sofa.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

This video clip is from a Japanese television show and is in Japanese. So while you probably won’t understand what the commentator is saying, I think you’ll still be able to appreciate the humour in the situation. Not wanting to give anything away, I’ll just post a link to the video. Enjoy.

I was in tears after watching this I laughed so hard.

Hilarious Japanese Video Clip